My reality has experienced a paradigm shift in sensing time. Mentally, the week is three 'days'. Weeknights have become but a powernap in what feels to be the longest day of my life each week. It's not a physical drain, as I'm getting roughly 7hr/night. I feel like my mind just doesn't have the ability to process and sort the behemoth stack of information from the day. It'll be midnight and I'm laying in bed, staring at the dark ceiling, thinking about what I need to do tomorrow when my phone rings. Who would call me at this hour? I grab my phone and realize it's actually my alarm and sit up in bed stunned. You've got to be fucking kidding me.
I'd say its the worst part of my day, but when you initially thought you had just jumped into bed--it's no different then realizing you forgot to brush your teeth before getting in, only when you return from the bathroom--some jackass changed your clock and the sun is out. In an odd way, I revel in it. The accomplished feeling after crunch time is a euphoria I usually have to pay to experience.
This does destroy whatever aspect of a social life I thought I had. This morning at work I totalled ~65-70hrs/week for homework, studying, and classtime. Really, what do you say?
"Hey, how about we go out Friday from 4pm-10pm"
"What? Why only till 10pm?"
"Well, my body normally shuts down around that time, so hope to whatever deity you pray that you have me near a bed, couch, or someplace you won't have carry me far because I'll be out cold when the clock hits 10pm."
In this life there is no glass slipper, carriage, or happily ever after, just a lame engineering student that is now your problem.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Minneapolis Burnin'
On my way to work this morning I noticed something odd: the sky wasn't the right color blue. Granted, I had left my contacts in last night and I had only been up for roughly 10 minutes when I noticed the variance. I began debating in my head what the color is called--and what the color that should be in the sky is called. It didn't occur to me until 35 turned South that what I had finally decided as 'steel blue' was actually just a homogenous mix of clouds which split in the sky in a perfect chalk-line from North to South, with the sun slowly burning them West.
Damn. If anyone could read thoughts, I'm pretty sure within five minutes they'd be bored with me and find someone else to evesdrop.
Damn. If anyone could read thoughts, I'm pretty sure within five minutes they'd be bored with me and find someone else to evesdrop.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Fall Adjustments
The last few weeks have been hit or miss in bed. Unlike the last few days--which had mostly consisted of futile tossing--last night I actually slept well. Pinpointing 'what went right' is nearly as tough as pinpointing 'what went wrong' as I haven't bothered changed my routine. I like attributing it to the weather--the perfect scapegoat.
I hold a secret spite of August, almost in the same way I lament Sunday. August is bittersweet as it's the last month of Summer which means three things: moving, school, and Fall.
To be honest, I enjoy moving. It gives me a chance to dig through all the miscellaneous mess of papers and junk I've collected over the last year and try to simplify my existence. This year I've been making a special effort to remove anything that I don't need. It's tough to sort through what is necessary and what you're just used to carrying--items that make sense to own yet you never touch. I've had the same bulky electric pencil sharpener sitting on my desk since Freshman year; it's seen wood maybe two times in its life. I used to like regular yellow "Eagle" #2s but those days have been long gone due to the undesired effect of having to sharpen mid-class. The sharpener has stuck with me, through 1001s and 4001s, sitting unused on my desk. Another decadent relic (circa 1998) of which I'm happy to remove from my life is my 'Minneapple' pen mug. I never used any of the pens or pencils in it--the latter explained above--yet was never able to see its departure.
I've found that by having less I seem to get more accomplished as well, a by-product of my capacity to accomplish combined with removal of obstacles on the desk. I even removed my computer from my desk and onto my dresser. Since I only use it for entertainment purposes and I set the keyboard on my lap when typing papers anyway; it's win-win. This year brings on the full set of chemical engineering classes, which were surmounted to me as 'get a running start, grab on, and try to keep your shit together'. I'm ready for it. All the preparation eventually pays off as the weather cools.
I think Fall is the better half of the transitional seasons. Spring is cold with a peek of warmth. Even when that nice day comes, every surface is wet or soggy still shaking off winter. Fall is warmth with a peek of cool. I guess something about sitting in the sun with shorts, flip-flops, and a sweatshirt makes me believe in things I've long since lost. It comes on a random Sunday, walking to a buddy's house for some burgers and beers. The breeze picks up and in the crisp wind a smell fills your nose that is just as quickly gone, but the memory remains. It was your ex-girlfriend's perfume. It was the apples you ganked from the neighbor's yard. It was the pumpkins you smashed on the second of November because come on, they had a day to do it themselves. It was your family's dog. It was the post game bonfire at your best friend's house and you had your arm around whomever you were with and you cared nothing of credit card debt, the current state of the world, or how you were going to find a job. You realize you've stopped walking and just standing on the corner, no cars or people in sight. The only sound accompanying the wind and leaves is your own breathing.
I hold a secret spite of August, almost in the same way I lament Sunday. August is bittersweet as it's the last month of Summer which means three things: moving, school, and Fall.
To be honest, I enjoy moving. It gives me a chance to dig through all the miscellaneous mess of papers and junk I've collected over the last year and try to simplify my existence. This year I've been making a special effort to remove anything that I don't need. It's tough to sort through what is necessary and what you're just used to carrying--items that make sense to own yet you never touch. I've had the same bulky electric pencil sharpener sitting on my desk since Freshman year; it's seen wood maybe two times in its life. I used to like regular yellow "Eagle" #2s but those days have been long gone due to the undesired effect of having to sharpen mid-class. The sharpener has stuck with me, through 1001s and 4001s, sitting unused on my desk. Another decadent relic (circa 1998) of which I'm happy to remove from my life is my 'Minneapple' pen mug. I never used any of the pens or pencils in it--the latter explained above--yet was never able to see its departure.
I've found that by having less I seem to get more accomplished as well, a by-product of my capacity to accomplish combined with removal of obstacles on the desk. I even removed my computer from my desk and onto my dresser. Since I only use it for entertainment purposes and I set the keyboard on my lap when typing papers anyway; it's win-win. This year brings on the full set of chemical engineering classes, which were surmounted to me as 'get a running start, grab on, and try to keep your shit together'. I'm ready for it. All the preparation eventually pays off as the weather cools.
I think Fall is the better half of the transitional seasons. Spring is cold with a peek of warmth. Even when that nice day comes, every surface is wet or soggy still shaking off winter. Fall is warmth with a peek of cool. I guess something about sitting in the sun with shorts, flip-flops, and a sweatshirt makes me believe in things I've long since lost. It comes on a random Sunday, walking to a buddy's house for some burgers and beers. The breeze picks up and in the crisp wind a smell fills your nose that is just as quickly gone, but the memory remains. It was your ex-girlfriend's perfume. It was the apples you ganked from the neighbor's yard. It was the pumpkins you smashed on the second of November because come on, they had a day to do it themselves. It was your family's dog. It was the post game bonfire at your best friend's house and you had your arm around whomever you were with and you cared nothing of credit card debt, the current state of the world, or how you were going to find a job. You realize you've stopped walking and just standing on the corner, no cars or people in sight. The only sound accompanying the wind and leaves is your own breathing.
Friday, June 16, 2006
penultimate
Thank you for introducing me to the place I'd never been. Since, I've gone there many times and even shown a few friends. Some had even been there before.
It was a nice place to reflect. It was hard not to find a source of comfort sitting there, watching everyone so confused below in the city. When I was there I wasn't part of the messes everyone else made, or even my own. I'd go at lunchtime or late at night, blinded by the brightness of the day or lack thereof--just walking. It was never the planned destination but it became it anyway.
I wandered over there today in the rain but the path was gone. Lost, wet, and confused I scrambled around the area vainly searching for a way in. Nothing. All the carvings, firewood, and broken glass appeared to have vanished into the wind. Everything had been erased.
I know I'll find it again. Probably in the same way as before. Next time I don't think I'll show anyone. Next time I'll mark the entrance, next time I'll build a cairn, next time I won't lose it, I know.
Because I miss that place.
It was a nice place to reflect. It was hard not to find a source of comfort sitting there, watching everyone so confused below in the city. When I was there I wasn't part of the messes everyone else made, or even my own. I'd go at lunchtime or late at night, blinded by the brightness of the day or lack thereof--just walking. It was never the planned destination but it became it anyway.
I wandered over there today in the rain but the path was gone. Lost, wet, and confused I scrambled around the area vainly searching for a way in. Nothing. All the carvings, firewood, and broken glass appeared to have vanished into the wind. Everything had been erased.
I know I'll find it again. Probably in the same way as before. Next time I don't think I'll show anyone. Next time I'll mark the entrance, next time I'll build a cairn, next time I won't lose it, I know.
Because I miss that place.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
fukc fcuk fuck
I don't really know where to start. A lot of both important and inconsequential things have occurred over the last three months, but nothing that deserves the minimal glossing I can provide through this.
It's a nice day and I'm going to the beach.
It's a nice day and I'm going to the beach.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
please don't [stop]
I'm not sure why I haven't posted in awhile; I definately have the time to waste dropping a few lines. I have a multitude of posts started and saved waiting for some sort of epiphany, or at least the half-ass dedication to finish what I've started: bringing them from personal musing to published post. I edited a few of them together to hopefully serve as a short backlog to the random thoughts from my insipid life.
Normally the week speeds by and in a blink, I'm back in ERC on Sunday night till midnight trying to get everything done for the week. The more I think about it, the time-lapse just changed from weeks to hours. It's always after 4pm, which signals the demise of the opportunity to 'get everything done early and waste the rest of the day'. I've never been one to swear off drinking or any other habits because I know I won't hold myself to them (save the one time I did after waking up in my coat detailed below--I didn't drink for four weeks). Yet, every day I swear to myself its not going to be like the day before it; I will accomplish everything and have a fun night, only to fail like the day before.
Yesterday, on the University's normally crowded and bustling mall, a cold wind cut through even the best dressed. Those absolved to never skip class found themselves alone. The sunny clean concrete held a certain indifference to the change--an apathy only the heartbroken and valentineless envy. The collective shiver from the weather did nothing but fortify the notion that Spring Break cannot arrive soon enough.
Normally the week speeds by and in a blink, I'm back in ERC on Sunday night till midnight trying to get everything done for the week. The more I think about it, the time-lapse just changed from weeks to hours. It's always after 4pm, which signals the demise of the opportunity to 'get everything done early and waste the rest of the day'. I've never been one to swear off drinking or any other habits because I know I won't hold myself to them (save the one time I did after waking up in my coat detailed below--I didn't drink for four weeks). Yet, every day I swear to myself its not going to be like the day before it; I will accomplish everything and have a fun night, only to fail like the day before.
Yesterday, on the University's normally crowded and bustling mall, a cold wind cut through even the best dressed. Those absolved to never skip class found themselves alone. The sunny clean concrete held a certain indifference to the change--an apathy only the heartbroken and valentineless envy. The collective shiver from the weather did nothing but fortify the notion that Spring Break cannot arrive soon enough.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
This year's
God Damnit.
Even though I left my house with plenty of time to get to work, I'm already seven minutes late and another five miles at 80mph on 35W. Fuck it, I waited in line at ERC for ten minutes to buy coffee for the office, they'll deal. The parking lot was completely empty when I arrived. I check the clock and it is 8:45--where was everyone? I sat in my car for a minute before I realized something must be wrong. I can still feel last night's liquor in my movements, I have to be imagining things. I touch the cold window to make sure I'm awake. This would definately be the most lucid dream I've experienced. I try calling my boss but the number has been disconnected. Maybe its not Saturday? My phone's calander convinces me otherwise. I look at the car clock again. It must be off: both phone and car somehow entangled in a cruel joke. With ten minutes before open, everyone drives up in a row. "Surprise, we decided to all go out for breakfast. We thought about calling you but then figured you'd be alright."... thanks.
I just noticed today a moderate pain on my the lower right side of my stomach. Maybe its my appendix ready to burst; maybe the debauchery is finally catching up to me. Safe bets say its the latter--I don't know why the sudden bout of hypocondria arrived. Work was unquestionably the busiest I have ever seen it in the 4.5 years I've been there. We'll see where the day goes from here.
Even though I left my house with plenty of time to get to work, I'm already seven minutes late and another five miles at 80mph on 35W. Fuck it, I waited in line at ERC for ten minutes to buy coffee for the office, they'll deal. The parking lot was completely empty when I arrived. I check the clock and it is 8:45--where was everyone? I sat in my car for a minute before I realized something must be wrong. I can still feel last night's liquor in my movements, I have to be imagining things. I touch the cold window to make sure I'm awake. This would definately be the most lucid dream I've experienced. I try calling my boss but the number has been disconnected. Maybe its not Saturday? My phone's calander convinces me otherwise. I look at the car clock again. It must be off: both phone and car somehow entangled in a cruel joke. With ten minutes before open, everyone drives up in a row. "Surprise, we decided to all go out for breakfast. We thought about calling you but then figured you'd be alright."... thanks.
I just noticed today a moderate pain on my the lower right side of my stomach. Maybe its my appendix ready to burst; maybe the debauchery is finally catching up to me. Safe bets say its the latter--I don't know why the sudden bout of hypocondria arrived. Work was unquestionably the busiest I have ever seen it in the 4.5 years I've been there. We'll see where the day goes from here.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Currently Listening to:
I haven't updated in quite some time as I seem to have more to do when out of class then compared to the middle of finals--go figure. I'll start from where I left off.
I ended up working Friday/Saturday (30th and 31st respectively). Friday was pretty uneventful save going out to dinner with a friend at which I had an excellent time. Despite at least 3-4 party invites I had been having bad vibes about New Years even before Christmas. This is most likely based on the fact I don't know the last 'good' New Years I've had. Last year I had gone to the Big Wu Years Eve which was at the Radisson on campus, but I ended up much too drunk and passing out on the floor of my friends hotel room just after midnight. Years before were even worse. I had made plans to go shooting at the range with some goons and immediately after finishing work I met up with Todd and headed to the Burnsville Pistol Range. Together the group easily put through ~1000 rounds and I had the chance to shoot a Taurus chambered in .448--read as 'makes concussion that shakes every target on the range'.
Heading back to campus I picked up three bottles of champange on the way home. Peviously at work I had received a surprise facebook message from Molly (goes to school at ASU, rarely see eachother) indicating that she would be up in the cities hanging out with Ivy for the celebrations. Ivy had met a guy (Garret) in her spring break trip to South Padre Island last year who happened to be visiting as well. Deciding this would be my best bet for a good new years, our ecletic group ended up going over to Brant/Kurt's new house in the heart of the Minneapolis ghetto to revel in the arrival of 2006. At the party, I briefly struggled to get a game of tip-cup going out of which almost everyone who played was stoned enough to forget his/her own name. Accepting defeat I retired to just pounding back champange straight from the bottle on my own. 2006 came as 2005 left and overall I definately had the best new years to date. This isn't to say the night didn't have its drama, but it wasn't enough to ruin the night. We all crashed at Ivy's and in the morning we dropped of Molly at Melrose to head back home. Ivy, Garret, and I decided it only fitting to get breakfast at The Original Pancake House in Edina: it was delicious as always. The rest of the week was pretty uneventful. Monday through Thursday I worked and spent the nights taking care of all the litle things I've had on my to-do list for the last two months.
Sometime last week I had the following AIM conversation with my mom:
-------------------------
Mom: I found something online I want to buy--it has a little lock in the window and says its secure--can I buy it?
Brad: Uh... you should send me the link before you purchase anything.
Mom: How do I do that?
Brad/Mom: [15 minutes of conversation trying to explain how to post the link in the AIM window]
Mom: https://www.asseenontvnetwork.com/vcc/allstar/sweepnmop/141717/
Brad: ...
-------------------------
It reminded me of the reason I lie about my experience with computers.
Last night I went out with Kyle and Ross and decided I'll probably live with them after my current lease is up for next fall. Currently I'm back in Rochester and can't wait to leave. I don't know what it is about being here but from the minute I get home I'm looking for a reason to go back earlier than I had planned. Oh well.
I ended up working Friday/Saturday (30th and 31st respectively). Friday was pretty uneventful save going out to dinner with a friend at which I had an excellent time. Despite at least 3-4 party invites I had been having bad vibes about New Years even before Christmas. This is most likely based on the fact I don't know the last 'good' New Years I've had. Last year I had gone to the Big Wu Years Eve which was at the Radisson on campus, but I ended up much too drunk and passing out on the floor of my friends hotel room just after midnight. Years before were even worse. I had made plans to go shooting at the range with some goons and immediately after finishing work I met up with Todd and headed to the Burnsville Pistol Range. Together the group easily put through ~1000 rounds and I had the chance to shoot a Taurus chambered in .448--read as 'makes concussion that shakes every target on the range'.
Heading back to campus I picked up three bottles of champange on the way home. Peviously at work I had received a surprise facebook message from Molly (goes to school at ASU, rarely see eachother) indicating that she would be up in the cities hanging out with Ivy for the celebrations. Ivy had met a guy (Garret) in her spring break trip to South Padre Island last year who happened to be visiting as well. Deciding this would be my best bet for a good new years, our ecletic group ended up going over to Brant/Kurt's new house in the heart of the Minneapolis ghetto to revel in the arrival of 2006. At the party, I briefly struggled to get a game of tip-cup going out of which almost everyone who played was stoned enough to forget his/her own name. Accepting defeat I retired to just pounding back champange straight from the bottle on my own. 2006 came as 2005 left and overall I definately had the best new years to date. This isn't to say the night didn't have its drama, but it wasn't enough to ruin the night. We all crashed at Ivy's and in the morning we dropped of Molly at Melrose to head back home. Ivy, Garret, and I decided it only fitting to get breakfast at The Original Pancake House in Edina: it was delicious as always. The rest of the week was pretty uneventful. Monday through Thursday I worked and spent the nights taking care of all the litle things I've had on my to-do list for the last two months.
Sometime last week I had the following AIM conversation with my mom:
-------------------------
Mom: I found something online I want to buy--it has a little lock in the window and says its secure--can I buy it?
Brad: Uh... you should send me the link before you purchase anything.
Mom: How do I do that?
Brad/Mom: [15 minutes of conversation trying to explain how to post the link in the AIM window]
Mom: https://www.asseenontvnetwork.com/vcc/allstar/sweepnmop/141717/
Brad: ...
-------------------------
It reminded me of the reason I lie about my experience with computers.
Last night I went out with Kyle and Ross and decided I'll probably live with them after my current lease is up for next fall. Currently I'm back in Rochester and can't wait to leave. I don't know what it is about being here but from the minute I get home I'm looking for a reason to go back earlier than I had planned. Oh well.
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